[ST] I'm Depressed... Will I End Everything?

Name: Adilah Miswan
Class: LGB6B
Semester: 6
Title: I'm Depressed... Will I End Everything?
Word Count: 454
Category: Story
Brief Summary: Making the decision to stay alive or end all suffering.

"It's just sick now, the way people kill themselves to end their suffering. That girl... she was only 17 years old. Dead now, like the rest of them depressed people."

Alyssa shook her head and passed the newspaper article to me. A 17-year-old girl had jumped from her 10th floor apartment after receiving her SPM results. To me, her results were good enough to pursue further studies but to her... it wasn't. She considered herself a failure and opted to end her life. Such a waste of brilliance.

I pushed the paper away. That bit of news reminded me of my own depression. Although it had nothing to do with my academic life, its effect on me was almost as crippling. Put in layman's terms, I was feeling abandoned.

I don't know how it happened. All of a sudden, my 'dark side' was coming out, telling me in snide tones that no one cared about me anymore, no one wanted me. I, having low self-esteem, believed every word and fell into the dark abyss, deeper than I cared to. At times, I put on a brave front and tried to occupy myself with work, but it never succeeded. When midnight came, a wave of self-pity would wash over me and I would cry myself to sleep.

No one really knew the extent of my depression. Not even Aidan, my boyfriend. God knows how much he had to go through. What with my hot temper and ridiculous behaviour... Only He can repay Aidan for his never-ending patience.

I tried to tell them. Honestly, I did. But the words never seemed to come through. Or if it did, I never said how badly I was affected. At some point, I wanted to slit my wrists and be done with it. Why not jump out the window, like what that girl did? The snide voice said, goading me. Good thing I valued my life more.

Unfortunately, when I should have surrounded myself with supportive people, I pushed away my friends. I walked out on them. I left them behind and made them puzzle over my abrupt change in behaviour. No doubt I made them angry too. As much as I wanted to mend fences with them, I couldn't. No words would suffice.

It took me the parting of our ways to show that my depression was nothing but a figment of my imagination. I realised then how much I missed by shutting them out. Regretting it all would be useless, although it served to teach me a lesson in being a friend.

Suicide brings nothing but grief to the family and retribution in the afterlife. Depression is best handled with company. At least the burden is lighter.


EDITED BY: Ummi Farhana binti Zainuddin