Name: Nadia Syahida @Chaos Hackers
Class: LG2201A
Semester: 1
Title: Gun of Deceit
Word Count: 79
Category: Poem
Brief Summary: A poem about a person who commits serious crime and proudly gets away with it.
Twist the thought,
Feel this fire,
The purest lie I brought,
Is conjuring the corner.
Deceit fuels the heart,
Stupidity helps the breathing,
As I show the black of light,
The justice of life slowly shattering.
The bullet is mine,
But not the equality,
As I shot him with fury,
The lord of lies burns in me.
I am free! I am free!
And yet the freedom is my enemy.
The white truth defy,
As I am the sin.
EDITED BY: Maisarah binti Ahmad Kamil
4 comments:
The beautiful thing about poetry, and admittedly about freestyle poetry, is that you can draw a lot of theories and interpretations from it. Sometimes, people over-analyse, but I guess that's what makes poetry so interesting.
I liked what you have here. I liked the way you didn't split the poem into different stanzas even though a few lines did end with full stops. It quickens the reading process and made me feel as if time is somehow running out... maybe for whoever it was the persona has shot.
Your word choices were great. Alliteration ("slowly shattering") works really well, and I can see you used some other techniques like metaphors and personification. All working together in a short but powerful poem.
The line I liked the most was "But not the equality". It really shows the power the persona had over the victim, how he can shoot the man and get over with it so happily afterwards. Well done!
There are minimal mistakes; nothing that affects the poem. You have a great grasp of language, and I really hope we'll get more submissions from you in the future! :D
-- YSC.
Very deep and moving stuff! I really like the line "I am free! I am free!" because it's all a lie and his illusion of freedom is not real. The "white truth" which probably means justice/the authorities will prevail and prove that in the end the narrator is guilty and his sense of freedom is just a lie since he has committed a crime...Really good poem! Definitely one of my favorites! XD
Thank you Maisarah for a detailed review! :) I'm sure glad to be part of the YSC. Also thanx to Sparrow_Wing! I've read one of your poem called 'Perfection' and its brilliant! Hope the YSC can share some tips on how to write a good poem! :)
My pleasure! It's always a joy to read works written by fellow friends... though I've yet to submit my own. XD
Tips to write a good poem, eh? I'll keep that in mind. :D
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